I don't know if u've read 'The portrait of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde...a classic novel...it's about how a beautiful young man in a moment of madness makes a desperate wish... lives his life vicariously and still remains forever young, whole and beautiful while his potrait encaptures the true blackness of his soul, mirrors his sins, grows old, ugly, changes its form, hides and then reveals the true colours of Dorian Gray.
A fantastic idea no doubt... the first time he commits a crime, the change that comes over the portrait is not only physical but there's a subtle change in the overall expression-the hardening of heart, the awakening of vice. And what struck me is, the portrait is actually a reflection of the soul and not merely a marker of the passing of time and age-bound changes.
And why am I being so disturbed by it now? I came across an old passport size photo of mine, taken in May 2002 , fresh out of school before going to college and got a recent pic taken 5 days ago. And what bothered me was not the physical changes, the receeding hairline, the dark circles, the tightening of the corners of lips, the pendulous lower lip(the hallmark of self-obsession!), the acne pitmarks...those are to be expected.
But it was my look that surprised me -the wide-eyed, innocent "everbody is nice and everything is all right in this world" expression that shines through...Good God, how could I be so naive? So innocent, so trusting...don't get me wrong...i'm still one of the most credulous and naive people around but the latest pic clearly has this film of cynicism over it, the "who really cares or gives a damn as to what happens look"...having expected too much and having believed too much in the intrinsic goodness of people once upon a time, now I've come to a stage when I don't really have any expectations from anybody...where anything good is just an add-on, a bonus.
And that's what is painful. Not the gain of cynicism, not the loss of naivete' but the loss of innocence...
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
The joy is in the falling, not in the fall
As cliche's go, Love is blind is the most obvious ever. I think, love is banal too. Being in love is boring. But falling in love is fun...
Eyes seeking out 'the' someone when in a group; the initial flighty exchange of looks, the intense staring down; daring him to break the glance first, the unspoken words, the telepathic communions, the twitch at the corner of your mouth and the unsuccessful stifling of the smile your treacherous lips finally break into.
The inital distance, the physical awareness, near yet far, the unknowingly clumsy and knowingly unseen attempts to breach that gap, the nonchalant fling of arm against your shoulder, the reflex straightening of your back; the slight touch and the sensation down your spine.
The grazing shoulders, the draft of air, the crossed legs, the restless jiggling, toes brushing against leg, the slow shifts in positions and finally the closeness and the gladness the direct contact evokes.
The increased sense of awareness, sharpened senses, clearer mind, heightened memory, every word, sight, sound, touch and smell stored in your mind, the unexpected remembrance and the overwhelming longing associated with it.
The silly doings, the heady days, the dressing ups, the slightest excuse to stay in touch, to hear the voice and to remind of you, the flipping through photos and encounters for a secret meaning, a private thought, an implied feeling, a missed gesture, a hidden emotion, an unsaid word.
The standing on the edge of a precipice, finally letting yourself go, the joy of falling ( in love; into love) , the feeling of weightlessness before you hard crash to the ground and reality. And then you know, love is dead.
Sounds stupid, I know. Romantic? Maybe. Cynical? Probably.
But think about it. Atleast it isn't a lie.
P.S. "Falling in love isn't difficult but when you decide you want to stay together despite all, you know it isn't easy." -Anonymous
Eyes seeking out 'the' someone when in a group; the initial flighty exchange of looks, the intense staring down; daring him to break the glance first, the unspoken words, the telepathic communions, the twitch at the corner of your mouth and the unsuccessful stifling of the smile your treacherous lips finally break into.
The inital distance, the physical awareness, near yet far, the unknowingly clumsy and knowingly unseen attempts to breach that gap, the nonchalant fling of arm against your shoulder, the reflex straightening of your back; the slight touch and the sensation down your spine.
The grazing shoulders, the draft of air, the crossed legs, the restless jiggling, toes brushing against leg, the slow shifts in positions and finally the closeness and the gladness the direct contact evokes.
The increased sense of awareness, sharpened senses, clearer mind, heightened memory, every word, sight, sound, touch and smell stored in your mind, the unexpected remembrance and the overwhelming longing associated with it.
The silly doings, the heady days, the dressing ups, the slightest excuse to stay in touch, to hear the voice and to remind of you, the flipping through photos and encounters for a secret meaning, a private thought, an implied feeling, a missed gesture, a hidden emotion, an unsaid word.
The standing on the edge of a precipice, finally letting yourself go, the joy of falling ( in love; into love) , the feeling of weightlessness before you hard crash to the ground and reality. And then you know, love is dead.
Sounds stupid, I know. Romantic? Maybe. Cynical? Probably.
But think about it. Atleast it isn't a lie.
P.S. "Falling in love isn't difficult but when you decide you want to stay together despite all, you know it isn't easy." -Anonymous
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
In a fey mood (alternative title :15 days to wind up)
Feeling a bit strange...blogging after a year and only 15 days to go before we all wind up...15th 's d d-day when i'd know what direction my life's gonna take...whether its time to go back to books or take the next step forward( most likely it'll be a step backward but that's ok-i'm mentally prepared to deal with it now unlike 3 weeks before)...but right now totally in limbo...can' t study nor can do anything else much...might as well help with the Year Book and enjoy the convocation caravan.
Last year was pretty much hell...my grandfather's sudden death on Diwali night, squabbling co-interns, break-ups, almost every public holiday spent in either EMS or emerge in med ward...gave up almost everything just to get a seat in PG and now i'm not even gonna get that...I can hear the hounds of fate howling...but then right now i'm in "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" mood. Even if i'm gonna hang by the noose on 15th I can atleast let the rope run long till 11th. And it isn't fair to let one year of internship blight 4 wonderful years in GS!
So 3 cheers for
1) Behenji-cum-Friends...For Sambo (what i'd i've done without u)...she was literally my lifeline in GS...Surabhi n Divya n Varsha...for all the good times and for all the mad times we had!
2) Batchmates-cum-friends...For Shweta for perennially boosting me...for her regular doses of optimism and All iz Well funda...Khushboo(for the good cheer and for her dialogue-'Ab to rona band kar' n thanx for the B'day plans-left to myself i'd have brooded the day away), Swarada for bearing the brunt of being my baju-waali roll no and Sonali for being a complete anti-thesis of me( Babe-quotient, cool, smiles, sleepiness n absent-mindedness)
3) Boys-Rajvilas by virtue of being my batchmate right from 1st to final yr and for his mad-cap antics, Bhavin by virtue of his (unknown to him) 'what goes down must come up' method of conditioning me n making me better myself , Gujju guys (including Jangale n Ankit) for the love-hate relationships,the lethal 'bindass meet brains' cocktail, for your leg-pullings and ur mockeries-atleast i learnt how to laugh at myself! Subbu for being one of the few sane souls among the guys i encountered during internship and Rupesh for being Mr Congeniality.
4) The library-for the books, loud gossips, whispered scandals, couples ( real n potential), meetings, mcqs, and Sshh....
5) Gosumag...had lotsa fun during its making...so thanx Ani and Sambo for letting me come on board.
6) Malvani, EMS and Saphale-the only worthwhile postings of internship
7) The cut-throat competition...Even though i've ended up cutting myself more often rather than cuttting the competition-but then as a Type A i wouldn't know what to do if life was too easy...i mean how can a fish live without water even if the water turns out to be poisoned!
And a few tears for
8) Male co-interns( atleast the ones that I had)-For being pains in the neck, for the throbbing headaches and lost peace of mind.
9) My foot-in-mouth-syndrome- My absolute lack of Diplomacy, my inability to sweet talk with people and the inability to come up with good excuses-no wonder internship was so bad! :-)
10) Secrecy, selfishness n self-centeredness...Sad to say quite a few ppl here do have these traits...something which i think goes against the credo of a behenji or a friend... but then why blame them-After all, in GS and probably in life too, nothing succeeds like success.
And for Me, Myself n Ananya
For being afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve
Coz if it broke, I didn't know how I would grieve
For not leaving the bay and getting into the sea
Not knowing how to swim,didn't set myself free
For being so cowardly now, using words to screen
My fears and for shedding tears on what could have been....
Last year was pretty much hell...my grandfather's sudden death on Diwali night, squabbling co-interns, break-ups, almost every public holiday spent in either EMS or emerge in med ward...gave up almost everything just to get a seat in PG and now i'm not even gonna get that...I can hear the hounds of fate howling...but then right now i'm in "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" mood. Even if i'm gonna hang by the noose on 15th I can atleast let the rope run long till 11th. And it isn't fair to let one year of internship blight 4 wonderful years in GS!
So 3 cheers for
1) Behenji-cum-Friends...For Sambo (what i'd i've done without u)...she was literally my lifeline in GS...Surabhi n Divya n Varsha...for all the good times and for all the mad times we had!
2) Batchmates-cum-friends...For Shweta for perennially boosting me...for her regular doses of optimism and All iz Well funda...Khushboo(for the good cheer and for her dialogue-'Ab to rona band kar' n thanx for the B'day plans-left to myself i'd have brooded the day away), Swarada for bearing the brunt of being my baju-waali roll no and Sonali for being a complete anti-thesis of me( Babe-quotient, cool, smiles, sleepiness n absent-mindedness)
3) Boys-Rajvilas by virtue of being my batchmate right from 1st to final yr and for his mad-cap antics, Bhavin by virtue of his (unknown to him) 'what goes down must come up' method of conditioning me n making me better myself , Gujju guys (including Jangale n Ankit) for the love-hate relationships,the lethal 'bindass meet brains' cocktail, for your leg-pullings and ur mockeries-atleast i learnt how to laugh at myself! Subbu for being one of the few sane souls among the guys i encountered during internship and Rupesh for being Mr Congeniality.
4) The library-for the books, loud gossips, whispered scandals, couples ( real n potential), meetings, mcqs, and Sshh....
5) Gosumag...had lotsa fun during its making...so thanx Ani and Sambo for letting me come on board.
6) Malvani, EMS and Saphale-the only worthwhile postings of internship
7) The cut-throat competition...Even though i've ended up cutting myself more often rather than cuttting the competition-but then as a Type A i wouldn't know what to do if life was too easy...i mean how can a fish live without water even if the water turns out to be poisoned!
And a few tears for
8) Male co-interns( atleast the ones that I had)-For being pains in the neck, for the throbbing headaches and lost peace of mind.
9) My foot-in-mouth-syndrome- My absolute lack of Diplomacy, my inability to sweet talk with people and the inability to come up with good excuses-no wonder internship was so bad! :-)
10) Secrecy, selfishness n self-centeredness...Sad to say quite a few ppl here do have these traits...something which i think goes against the credo of a behenji or a friend... but then why blame them-After all, in GS and probably in life too, nothing succeeds like success.
And for Me, Myself n Ananya
For being afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve
Coz if it broke, I didn't know how I would grieve
For not leaving the bay and getting into the sea
Not knowing how to swim,didn't set myself free
For being so cowardly now, using words to screen
My fears and for shedding tears on what could have been....
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