Yours Intestinally

After four and a half years of examinations and highstrung nerves, I have finally come to identify the only sensitive organ in my body... my intestines. Apparently, the Almighty wired my nerves a little weirdly and most of the neurons in my brains seem displaced into my intestines.
The autonomic nervous system innervating my intestines are closely linked to my limbic system, my emotional centre.

As I reached adulthood, I recognised my inability to feel happy, sad, angry, disappointed, anxious, surprised etc. and wondered whether I was born into Nirvana, something people ache for but never attain; no matter how hard they try. But this spectrum of emotions was perfectly conveyed to my bowels year after year, which I have just recently learnt to recognise (ever since I strayed into a medical college). I know there must be many such mentally insensitive souls wandering in the bleakness, being incessantly accused of having unfeeling hearts and I hope my frank revelations help them read their own minds.

Generally, a phase of regular bowel motions is suggestive of contentment. It is accompanied with audible gurgles at pinnacles of happiness, something my friends are completely used to by now. The gurgles are usually accompanied with a sensation of peristalsis from right to left at the upper abdomen. This will help you to differentiate happiness from hunger; the latter is accompanied by static gurgles felt in the left half of upper abdomen.

Negative feelings with violent fluctuations manifest as diarrhoea. The most important being anxiety and nervousness, especially just before exams (or similar events where the next few hours are determinants of your fate). The attack usually occurs acutely and you have to rush to the loo that instant or perish. (Which is why I have all the loo locations on every floor and departments of KEM hospital on my fingertips, in case you ever need help, call me.) Anger and hatred manifest similarly but with a hint of nausea. You have to repeatedly experience them to outline the subtle differences. Also, anxiety is the best purgative. So, if your bowels feel flushed out and all empty and hollow at the end, it is more likely to be anxiety than anger.

Phases of life marred by disappointment, discontent, low self-esteem (eg. Greek God asked out the Hot Babe and he doesn't even know your name) manifest with irregular, untimely, ill-formed and for some unfortunate souls- foul smelling stools. Boredom and a passive life with deterioration of intellect manifest with constipation and/or painful defecation. These individuals also don't respond to anxiety and anger and are referred to quacks such as medical doctors for treatment. Surprises manifest as blink-and-miss phenomena such as a quick burp or wind from the other end (better missed... hehe).

Jealousy and envy, one of the most rampant feelings in med-school are wired into the stomach. Heartburn continuous or intermittent is diagnostic. No amount of antacids, syrups or tablets, can cure it. These individuals again end up with quacking medical doctors.

Complicated emotions like devotion, admiration, caution are permutations and combinations of above given manifestations. And yes, of course, the most complex emotion, reproductive love. I wouldn't comment on it, as it remains one of the few I have not yet experienced. And when you do, please tell me the exact presentation. Who knows, I could be dumb enough to overlook it just because I took a laxative!